Lately

The last few days have been pretty draining. Jonah has been quite fussy and hasn't been sleeping much during the day. It's hard when he cries a lot. I wonder why he's been so unhappy. Is his body still dealing with the aftermath of the shots he got on Tuesday? I try feeding him, changing him, burping him, comforting him, but sometimes he just can't be consoled. A little break away from him to recoup is long overdue for me. But when he is so fussy I feel like I can't really get away because he might cry too much without me holding him or he might need to be fed more frequently than usual. When he finally does fall asleep I need to hold him. If I put him down he wakes up and complains.

My days consist mostly of feeding, changing and holding Jonah. Once in a while I squeeze a nap or a walk in there somewhere. Meals are quick and haphazzard. Showers infrequent, I'm embarassed to admit.

Yesterday I went for a quick check-up. The baby was with Tim. The midwives asked me if it's strange being without the baby. They were in disbilief, it seemed, when I told them that it wasn't really that strange. It was nice to take a breather, in fact. In the back of my mind, though, I worried that he was home with Tim crying unconsolably because he needed me.

My days go so quickly, but the times when Jonah cries, even if he cries for only five minutes, feel like eternity. These days I look forward to the weekend like never before. When Tim is home it's so nice because we can share the caretaking responsibilities and help each other do the essentials, like eat for example.

When Jonah sleeps more during the day I don't feel so burnt out. The quiet moments allow me to rest mentally or to think about things bigger than my little universe.

A part of me feels guilty for complaining. I should love every minute of having this baby, that's what everyone who has grown kids says. "Enjoy it while it lasts, they will be big before you know it." Of course I am happy being a mother and love my son. It's just hard sometimes.