how to survive anything

A strange ad flashed across my computer screen as I went to check my e-mail today. It was a photo of a nuclear bomb exploding with the headline: "How to survive a nuclear bomb." Next to the orange-colored mushroom cloud was a photograph of dry cracked earth with the heading: "How to survive an earthquake." I was tempted to click on the article or ad, but didn't do it. My curiosity got the best of me when later this afternoon I returned to the same website and sought the ad out.

Lo and behold, the ad led to an entire website dedicated to advice on surviving the worst of natural and man-made disasters. You name it, they've got it covered: bird flu, animal attacks, meteroid destruction, and more. If you ever find yourself in the shadow of an erupting volcano, there it is - the handy "How to Survive a Volcano Eruption" guide.

What does this have to do with being a mother? A mother needs to be prepared for anything. So I got to work and here is what I learned:

Erupting Volcanos:
"There is not much an individual can do to prepare for a volcanic eruption, but it is always good to have a good knowledge of this phenomenon. Be aware of the hazards that can come with an eruption: the flying debris, hot gases, lava flows, potential for explosion, mudslides, avalanches, and geothermal areas... Also be ready to get up and outrun flowing lava. " Very useful, thanks.

Next.

Falling asteroids:
"There simply is no good way to fight or run away from a killer asteriod - not alone anyway... Some of these mechanisms [for deflecting asteroids] are more realistic than others.

"Most proposed methods have been rejected due to risk and economic and/or technical feasibility in the near future. The remaining methods seriously considered to date include:

1.) Blowing it up by nuclear bomb...

and

2.) Nudging it by nuclear bomb"

Great! I love it! Keep it coming. How about tornadoes?

"Determine the best location in both your home and place of employment in which to seek shelter when threatened by a tornado." Uh.. at home... under the bed perhaps? At work... maybe the half-dilapidated teacher's desk?

"Conduct periodic tornado safety drills with your family." I'll get right to it. Jonah, where are you? Let's practice.

My favorite section of the website, however, is the "How to survive the dating game" link. Fits right in with the other disasters. It's really an ad for a book; a book that promises to be the ultimate guide for the ultimate male who exudes "confidence, charisma, and sex appeal" and whose life consists of many dates with many women simultaneously. In fact, this Casanova is so popular he's stalked by women. Sounds like a fabulous life, doesn't it? The ad continues, offering to teach men to "crush the competition" and become "natural seducers." In a nut shell, the book provides "a complete psychological makeover," turning losers into ladies' men.

So much for the study guide for emergency preparedness. A caring mother can only be grateful for such a fabulous resource.