back to number one son

The first days after Amalia's birth were such a stressful time. Somehow, Tim and I sleepwalked through them with my sister being here for a part of it. I hardly had the energy to acknowledge her presence, but it meant so much to have her nearby. Those days were hard for Jonah too. When he needed our reassurance most, we were often gone at the hospital, sitting at Amalia's bedside.

Jonah never met Amalia. We decided it was better that way. The situation was confusing enough as it was. Jonah was at uncle's and aunt's house during the birth and we never took him to the hospital to meet Amalia because we weren't sure she would make it from the beginning.

Jonah asks about the baby once every so often. First it was: "Who's home?" Then: "Where is baby?" or pointing at my stomach: "Who's in there?" or "What's your belly doing there?"

We explained in a simple way what happened: "The baby will not live in our house. She was too sick." or "The baby is not here. She was sick and died."

I don't know how much he can understand, but now that we are getting back to our old routine, he has finally begun to act out less and has been in a more even keel and pleasant mood (as pleasant and even keel as a two-year-old can be). He has missed routine.

As a prime example of a toddler in what Freud termed to be the anal stage of development, Jonah has had a strong need to control his environment, especially when things feel out of control. For nearly two weeks, he refused to leave the house. Going just to the store or the backyard took an unprecedented amount of coaxing. We honored some of his need to be in a familiar environment and to feel in control during that time and slowly tried to ease him out of that phase by going to see his favorite relatives: uncle and aunt and his grandparents who came for a visit the last week.

It seems that Jonah is more or less comfortable with doing stuff and going places again. He still has control issues (e.g. "Not those pants; I need blue pants!!!" or his main complaint: "No, mommy! I need daddy do it!"), but those have more to do with being a toddler than being under stress.

I will be home with him during the next four weeks before I return to work mid-March. Then Tim and I will take turns working and watching him again, picking up where we left off before I went on maternity leave.

Jonah has been so sweet when he has seen me get emotional. He hugs me and tries to console me. But I have been reluctant to get emotional around him too often, because I know it confuses him and makes him feel like things are out of control. I do believe, however, that it's not healthy to shield children from real emotions either, so at this stage, it's all about a healthy balance.

When he doesn't freak about about things not being just the way he wants them (remember the Terrible Two's or Freud's anal stage), he is a real sweetheart. Very affectionate and fun to be around.