play, rewind, fast forward

Though I don't write about her much, I still think of Amalia quite a bit. Her memories fill me largely with anxiety, sadness or sometimes with no feeling at all. Just images of what I remember, running through my head like a movie reel. Sometimes random things remind me of her. Yesterday a tree in our neighborhood pruned and sculpted to stand flat against a wall brought back an image of Amalia pressed against her hospital bed, with her motionless arms and legs bent and spread and tubes coming from a hundred different places.

My memories of her are so fused with the anxiety I felt about whether she would be ok that I am not able to divorce thinking of her from feeling stressed. Most of the time, though, I focus on what is directly in front of me - Jonah, work, friends, summer plans, preparing for our move and that helps me feel upbeat. I can go a couple of hours now without replaying Amalia's life and death. I don't even notice anniversaries until much after they have passed by. It has been more than three months since Amalia's birth and death.

But when I feel too upbeat and forget to remember Amalia and my grief, I wonder if I'm just pushing back dealing with the trauma. Is being happy and upbeat ok and healthy or am I refusing to acknowledge what really happened? I feel good physically and that to me is a huge indicator that I seem to be dealing with Amalia's death alright.

I did have some heart palpitations and shortness of breath a while back -something I self-diagnosed as a delayed stress reaction- but that has gone away. So, maybe I am on the right track when it comes to healing.